Question: I have been divorced from my abuser for 3 years and apart for 5. But he continues to abuse through control. He does it through the courts and kids. Visitation and manipulation. To me this is just his abuse continuing. Am I imagining this? Have you seen abusers continue their abuse in this way?
Answer: Unfortunately, the manipulative behavior you describe is common with abusers after the divorce. An abuser is very unhealthy and the inappropriate behavior continues in different ways. I suggest two action plans for you. One, call a shelter and ask for the names of lawyers who understand the manipulative aspects of domestic violence. You need a good legal support. Two, get into therapy to focus on how to avoid becoming a victim to this person in the current set of circumstances. It may not feel like it, put you do have the power within you to change the dynamics of what is happening so you have the control. An objective third party can strategize with you.
Question: My husband is verbally abusive and I'm getting to my breaking point. He has also been physically abusive but not to an extreme. We have an 18 month old daughter and I don't want her growing up hearing Daddy talk to Mommy in the way that he does because I never want her to let someone talk to her that way and have her think its "normal." I love my husband and want to try at least to make it work. He has been home now for about 4 months from a year tour in Iraq but it seems like things are just getting worse, Is there something I can do or should I just get out now? Please help me!
Answer: Begin by calling a domestic violence shelter to inquire about their counseling services or for a referral for a private psychotherapist. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence will be able to find a shelter in your are at 800-799-SAFE. You are in a situation that is damaging and dangerous for your self esteem and for the mental health of your daughter. Getting help does not mean the marriage is over. You need to talk in depth to an unbiased person to decide the best plan for you and your daughter. It is important to get yourself into an emotionally and physically safe home environment. You do have the strength to do this. May God give you wisdom and clarity.
Question: Dear Dr. Gail, I can't say I have as much of a problem as some of these other persons on your site, however, I think I do have a problem. My husband has hit and kicked me over the course of our nearly 5 yr marriage. It was rarely a common occurrence, at the most, twice in a month, but mostly spread out over a few months. It's never really been that hard (never on the face, but once, open handed, on my head) and I can say he only honestly scared me once, when he wrestled me to the ground and was threatening me with my son standing nearby. He hasn't done anything in the last few months and claims he was just frustrated with me in the past and he's learned how to control it, now. I'm not stupid; obviously, the danger signs are there. Anyone would say this an abusive relationship and whoever is willing to hit their spouse once is willing to do it again and it will just escalate as time goes on. However, I also know that in domestic abuse cases, the victim usually fears the person doing the abusing. I am not afraid of him. I find it disrespectful and I don't think it's acceptable, but am I wrong to not think its abuse?
Answer: Life experiences cause each one of us to define words in a variety of ways. Whether you define your husband’s behavior towards you as abuse or not isn’t the important issue. The relevant issue is that you should not be physically hurt by anyone, including your spouse. It is not acceptable or healthy to allow someone to mistreat us. We deserve to be treated with respect with no tolerance for abuse of any kind. Rarely is a person able to stop being physically abusive without getting professional help. Abuse tends to increase in frequency and intensity so you must get yourself into a position of being safe. I would strongly suggest getting into psychotherapy to look at your internal beliefs about being abused. Call a local shelter to get the name of a clinical psychologist familiar with these issues.
Question: Dr. Gail, My husband has a history of domestic violence. We just left for the second time. The therapist does not want me to file for divorce because he thinks my husband is on the verge of being accountable. This has taken so much effort and courage on my part. If anything happens to my children because I did not leave I will hold myself 100% accountable. I know he is emotionally abusive and violent. Do we owe him to try again? Thanks.
Answer: Whether you file for divorce or not has nothing to do with your husband being on the verge of being accountable. If he chooses to work through his rage issues, he will need to do it alone. Just as your behavior did not cause his abusive episodes, you cannot help him overcome the abuse. The rage belongs to your spouse and only he has the power to fix it. It will take him a long time to change his behavior patterns. Your responsibility is to keep yourself and the children safe, away from the abuse. It is so difficult to leave, don’t make yourself go through it for a third time. Stay safe and take the time to get healthy and heal from the trauma of abuse.
Question: I really want to get away from my husband before he hurts me anymore. But I can't seem to find the right time. The kids are in school and things just keep happening. Then everything seems like it's ok until he starts hitting me again — this time it was because I ordered pizza for the kids on a different night than we usually order pizza. How do I know when is the right time to finally leave?
Answer: Unfortunately, it never “feels” like a good time to leave because we do not want to break up the family system. But the truth is that once violence enters into a family, the system is already broken. This is a time when you need to think with your head versus your heart. Your safety and the safety of your children are very important. Now is the time to make your safety plan and leave as soon as possible. Contact a local shelter for support.
Question: I'm afraid to go to the doctor after my husband hurts me because I don't know what to tell the doctor about how I got hurt. What should I say?
Answer: Most medical doctors are trained about the dynamics of domestic violence. They understand what you are going through and probably have valuable information to share with you. Although it is difficult, attempt to tell the doctor the truth. In addition, documentation of the injuries can help you in the future.
